How would you handle this?

Sarester · July 2012

A little background information:

My husband's best friend grew up next door to me, I've known him all my life. We were close friends until my husband and I started getting serious, then I stopped hanging out with without my husband there. He and my husband met in college and he's ultimately the one that hooked us up. Since they've known each other they've always given each other shit constantly. That's just how they are (actually, I think that's how most guys are with their friends). About 5 years ago our friend went through a divorce and after that his jokes to my husband got a little mean-spirited. When he gets like that he puts my husband down in any way he can (calling him a pussy, saying he has a small dick, etc.. Basically making himself out to seem more masculine than my husband any way he can). My husband always said just to let it go, it was because he was going through a hard time. He's always been a little immature so I just ignored it.

He got remarried about a year ago to a really sweet girl and they're really happy, but the jokes never stopped. Every time we're all together or hanging out in a group he manages to squeeze in at least one put down, but my husband is really good about either giving it right back or just shutting him down completly. Normally I would think that this is just two immature boys being boys, but now he makes these comments to me when my husband isn't around. Constantly. A few weeks ago we were at a mutual friend's BBQ and I was standing talking to his wife and a few other women and he came up and put his arm around me and said "So how does it feel being with a guy with such a tiny, tiny dick?" which was like the 5th time we've been out in public that he said something like this in front of people as soon as my husband walked away (and for the record, it isn't true. Not at all. lol) . I said "Why are you so obsessed with my husband's penis? I think you have it on your mind more than I do." and he said something like "It's hard not to because it's so little" or something. I've tried defending him saying "He actually has the biggest that I've ever seen." and he always says "That's because you haven't been with a _____ guy." (he's a different race than I am)

It happened again yesterday. He and his wife went out of town over the weekend and we kept their dog for them. He came over yesterday to pick her up and when he walked in I was trying to put up a shelf that my kids had knocked down. It's a huge shelf and I was having trouble holding it over my head long enough to put it up without falling off the step ladder. He took it from me and put it up and said "Why don't you have your husband doing this kind of thing for you?" and I said "Because he's at work right now. I can handle it." and he said "He's probably too much of a pussy anyway."

So my question is, how would you handle this? I've made it clear that I don't like him talking about my husband that way but all that seems to do is make it worse. My husband is really good with comebacks so he never says things like this when he's around anymore. When we were kids he used to say things that would make me blush because he thought it was funny so I think he's doing it because it makes me so flustered, but I never know how to respond to this kind of thing. I know this makes him seem like a huge asshole, but he's really not. 98% of the time he's a really great guy, he's been an awesome friend to my husband for over 10 years, it just seems like anytime we're around a big group of people, or he's alone with me he has to put my husband down. Avoiding him isn't possible, we hang out with them about once a week and we have all of the same friends so we see them about every where we go. Ladies, what would you do? Guys, is there a reason he's doing this, and how do I make it stop?

Joskin_Nodd · July 2012

Have you tried: "You know I don't like that stuff, and I don't think it's funny. I'm tired of it, it's tedious, and I've asked you nicely to stop. But you won't. Why not? What's up with that?"

In a group, meaningfully ask someone a question and focus on that conversation, ignoring him?

When by yourself, pointedly ignore what he says and ask him a question about something else. When he tries to keep it up, answer your question for yourself. Ex: "So, how's ABC going?" - "Hah! You just don't want to talk about your husbands tiny genitalia!" - "So, it's not going well?" - "I want to talk about penises!" - "What about that project you were working on?" - "Penis penis penis!" - "Well, it sounded like it was going to be a very interesting project."

Possibilities. I imagine he's doing it because he's very alpha, high drive, and perhaps lacks a bit of a filter. Some people just like to focus on what they want to focus on, and lack empathy and don't care how other people feel about what they are doing and saying.

Or ramp up your: "You think about it more than I do" response. Exasperated sigh, eye roll: "God, are you even capable of talking about anything other than other men's cocks? Good lord. Here, let's do this. Let's have one conversation—just one!—where you don't talk about genitalia. I'll bet you five bucks that you can't do it."

"and he said "He's probably too much of a pussy anyway.""

Thoughtful look. "Hmm. Thanks for that, but I don't think I need any more help right now. Good bye."

Not necessarily mean, just no rewards for behavior you don't like.

Mandy · July 2012

Men like that get off on the attention so just completely ignore him when you are alone. When in groups I would go with the above suggestion and ignore him completely while asking some one else a question. Not getting the attention he wants will quickly put a stop to it. Since he is your husband's good friend I would definitely not be aggressive in any option I took. It will emascualte your hubby if you are taking care of a bully for him, plus it could damage a friendship he obviously values. Plus if you get all worked up and say or do something it will give this guy a lot of ammo for the future - I can hear him now saying you have the dick in the relationship and had to take care of things for your pussy husband. If you are good enough friends with the new wife you can casually bring it up to see if it bothers her as well. He would be much more willing to change his behavior for her than you most likely.

fredless · July 2012

good natured joking sarcasm is expected among friends. It seems this friend is quite focused on putting your husband down. In my experience, when one must consistently put someone down as you describe, he has deficits in his self-esteem/self-concept.

A simple question to this friend might be, "Are you really so insecure about yourself that you need to put my husband down like this?'

After that, every time he made a similar insult, I would make comments such as "You're lack of self-esteem is showing again." OR "You're a wonderful man in your own right--you don't have to insult others to make yourself feel better."

As indicated in a previous post, I wouldn't do this if your husband is right there as it looks like you're fighting his battle for him. But I would do it every time your husband is present. Every single time.

Linanati · July 2012

Is he homophobic? If so, you can always make him out to be gay for being so excessively interested in another man's penis. :-)

Linanati · July 2012

It sounds like going through his divorce made him jealous of your husband for having a solid, intact marriage. If he's finding you alone (or at least without your husband) and making these comments to you, he is trying to affect your view of your husband - out of jealousy. It sounds like he wants you to think he is more of a man than your husband is.

If this was just normal joking between guys, he would only do this to your husband. He wouldn't seek you out when your husband isn't with you to make these insults to you about your husband.

Seriously, I would just start avoiding him. I wouldn't keep his dog for him anymore. I wouldn't have him over for dinner. I wouldn't go to his house for dinner. You've told him how this upsets you, and he won't stop. Your husband needs to address this issue with his friend, but he probably won't because he doesn't see it as a problem. For your own peace of mind, you should do what you can to stay away from the guy.

Jane · July 2012

Ok, i guess i'm the voice or dissent here, but i think if it doesnt bother your husband, it shouldn't bother you. I'd just let this stuff slide. If you make a lot of waves you could totaly distroy what sounds like an otherwise great friendship. It's absolutely sophomoric, but if you come off too harsh in your response, you're going to look like a wet blanket that people have to watch what they say around you. You're not the group mom, you dont have to disapline this guy; even if he NEEDS a course on manors. However your husband wants to handl it is how you should handle it.

In a group situation i might say something to the tune of "ha, you're DEFINATELY thinking of someone else" which leaves you in a fairly neutral territory....

sf64 · July 2012

I would just ignore it and let it go. The guy clearly has issues and as long as your husband knows you have no issues with his equipment.... I would say go with an annoyed, "really?" or "whatever."

For your husband to just ignore it is an Alpha move in my book. What this other guy says really doesn't matter. It has no impact on your husband's opinion of himself or his self worth.

You can even say to your husband something to the effect of, "I really don't get why he is so insecure. I am so glad you aren't like that." It's a nice way to let your husband know you realize that your husband is the AMOG.

pocketaces · July 2012

If this was my friend he wouldn't be for long. Its completely unacceptable to talk about cocks with my wife not in my presence. Sounds like he's trying to segue into something more.

Athol_Kay · July 2012

Your husband's best friend is running classic "boyfriend destroying tactics" game with the quite purposeful goal of seducing you.

The idea is to demean your husband and basically dominate him to make your husband look too weak to defend himself. Plus to inject sexualized content into the conversation to get you to associate the best friend with sexual behavior.

The best friend is counting on you being too polite and timid to make a fuss about it and just let him continue.

It's simply not going to stop until your husband steps up and tells his best friend to get lost.

My advice is to give your husband an extremely strongly worded explanation of why you are angry at your husband for not acting like you are important to him. Don't hold back about how you feel.

You also should break off all contact with him. No help, no assitance, no meeting in a group. Nothing.

Frankly if I was your husband, this guy would be out of our lives asap.

technovelist · July 2012

I was going to say the same thing that Athol said. It definitely sounds creepy to me and I would make sure it stops.

Delichon · July 2012

My initial reaction was to suggest deflecting the banter with sexual innuendos about your husband - since if a female friend came to me and said "I think your girlfriend has small tits", I would pause for a minute and come back with "Oh, sorry I zoned out - I was thinking of my GF tits. Excuse me, I'll be in my bunk"

But on the second thought, I would agree with Athol: your husband is not only Captain but he is also a Security officer. This guy is a security hazard. As a First Officer you are eligible to voice strong concern for safety of both yourself and your diad in general.

Dealing with it yourself is counterproductive both because that's what the security hazard wants (more of your attention) and because it puts in question your husbands ability to protect you, even if only in your husband's eyes.

From a male POW, getting your friend to change his "giving you shit" language because penis-jokes and profanity stopped being funny a couple of years ago doesn't happen overnight, like learning to eat with chopsticks, but friends come around and the rest...
Well, we grow out of some friendships in our life.

RedPillNewb · July 2012

In certain circles I run in, this sort of talk is routine and expected...but not in mixed company. I wouldn't expect women to be familiar with it because we never do it in front of women. We sure as hell don't talk that way to a man's wife when he's not there.

Sarester · July 2012

Thanks for all of your responses everyone. I haven't talked to my husband, but I know he's read this so he knows a conversation is coming. I doubt he's going to want to cut him out of our lives, but I hope he'll at least understand why I don't want to be alone with him anymore. I hope I didn't come off as a wet blanket, I'm really not. I get that he's just joking and thats how some guys are, it's just embarrassing to be in the middle of a group and have a guy come up and start talking to me about how much my husband sucks. I'll keep your suggestions in mind for the next time he does it, though I hope my husband puts a stop to it before I have to deal with him again.

Danceny · July 2012

Sorry, but Athol is correct. There is nothing funny or benign about this, and the friendship is already over. Don't believe me? Have your hubby hide in the closet next time the ape comes around, wait for him to start in with the sexual comments and then give just a hint of encouragement and see what he does.

Athol_Kay · July 2012

Agree with @Danceny that the friendship is already over. Has been for quite some time.

Trust me. He's not joking one little bit.

Please both read these two posts...

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2011/04/the-third-wheel/

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2011/01/the-propinquity-effect-a-third-wheel-in-your-own-home-is-you-being-stupid/

And to Sarester's husband should he read this... your wife has not stated it here, so I don't mean to put words in her mouth she hasn't said, but I will say this... it would be extremely predictable that she has begun experiencing unwanted but steadily increasing thoughts about having sex with your friend. This thread is likely the best and only warning you will get before that happens in reality. (again: That's my opinion, not something she has said)

To Sarester's great credit, she is here and expressing herself in a very productive, safe and committed to her marriage manner. This is by all accounts a fair warning and for what it is worth, I'm proud of her for doing so.

I would also bet $$$$ that Sarester herself was always your friends Plan A and that played a role in his divorce. It would explain why the venom started up after his divorce... he lost out on Plan A and Plan B. I bet he hates himself for ever introducing you to her.

To be blunt, I think you have to decide if you want your wife, or you want him to have your wife.

girl4 · July 2012

Yep. The first thing I thought was - he's jealous his marriage failed and his best friend got the 'good one'. The other thing I thought of was - 'friend' has known Sarester for as long as her husband - he is wearing 'wife goggles' regarding her as well as her husband is.

catzmeow · July 2012

Sarester:

The thing is...if you let a guy get away with tearing down your man in front of your face, on some level, a lot of guys are going to think that you agree with him. And, the more he gets away with doing it, the more comfortable he will feel doing it in the future. I think some guys might use a tactic like that to test the waters and see how happy you are with your husband. If they talk trash, and you say nothing, then that inadvertently sends the message that you aren't that loyal or happy.

If a guy talks trash like this,another option is to find away to dish it back. You can say something like, "His equipment is more than adequate for me," or "I don't have any complaints," or "Hey, you sound a little jealous there." A woman can get away with saying something like that with a smile, and not spark a direct confrontation, but still send a very clear message of, "I love my man, and I'm loyal."

Just a thought.

MrBurgundy · July 2012

Tell him to go fuck himself.

Better yet, as Athol and others recommend, your husband should tell him to go fuck himself.

No offence, @Sarester, but I read your post thinking, "this is a troll, right?"

As a man, there's no way - absolutely no way - I'd tolerate this from a "friend". Never would have, even in my bluest of blue pill days.

Rob · July 2012

I was at a BBQ of a friends house (a real friend). He was filling the pool for the kids and a guy his wife knew from high school was there with his family, ong many others. My friends wife (Sue) asked where he (Joe) was. I said out front filling the pool and the old high school fellow (Dave) said "That seems about right, lady business for joe". Sue shrugged and went around to find go find him and later they came back tithe BBQ. Over the grilling Dave complained that Joe was supposed to cook like a man and not use his lady techniques in front of everyone. "It embarrasses Sue". Small laughter and Joe quipped back. Later Joe was cleaning up some empty bottles and cans that had accumulated and Dave said Joe's tits were a little to small for a good server. Joe joked back about not wanting Daves "tip". All good natured at the time.

Joe offers to drive a car a few blocks away for some guests as my wife and I help clean up. Dave is bringing in some dishes and notices him gone. As his family is leaving my wife heads out to collect the kids and I leave the room to help. I overhear Dave say "how can he leave that ass unprotected. I must come off as too trust-worthy." That's it. Between the posts Athol cites above that I had read and a code between real friends that was the end of the line.

I caught him in the driveway and said goodby and shook his hand. I told him "if you come again be sure I know I will be looking for any reason to kick your ass". His stunned look and denial of what was really being said were met with "So you worry about just protecting your own ass". He said he had been friends long enough to joke like that. I told him to go fuck himself.

Joe and I share a lot of history and have been there for each other since before women we're good to us and us to them. We are friends.

When I told him what happened he shrugged and told me to come along. He drove to Dave's house and knocked on the door and spoke with Dave for a good five minutes while I sat in the car wondering where a body could be hid at this hour. I don't know exactly what was said but I am sure it's enough to keep him wary.

You're husband is probably tame on it because he knows you from forever. Give him the go ahead to cockblock that prick. Reward the behavior. Your husband should wreck that moron.

Slipangle · August 2012

@Sarester

I get the frustration you must have... You can't exactly stand up to him because that's something your husband should do, and you taking on that role would be a potential risk of reducing your husband in your own eyes.

So the asshole neighbor you say has re-married. If you want something you can do, you talk to the wife. Leverage her to shut down whatever-his-name is.

Howdy, Stranger!

Categories

How would you handle this?

Comments