Hi ladies! I am so curious sbout something & looking for encouragement & experience with this:
I am a joyful, loving & adventurous wife & SAHM. It will be 16 amazing years this month..really it's been, on the whole, good. (Our sex-life is very good too;)
I am always interested in shifting our relationship into something even closer, more intimate & more open.
There is always room for improvement.
Here's where I get thrown~
It gets so confusing to me because I read how women are supposed to 'want' to be submissive & let their hubby lead, etc..
For me, I feel idiotic & foolish when I imagine myself trying to take upon a lesser role than my husband.
For example, if I allowed this dynamic to take a real hold in my relationship, I'd feel like a kid always asking dad if this or that is okay. It just feels so 'off' for me.
I can think for myself. I know, as an adult woman, what I want, (contrary to what many men think,) & can't imagine being happy knowing my husband thinks of himself as more capable/better than me.
Equally capable is more like it.
For me to see someone else make major decisions for me- not an option.
I cannot handle the word 'submit.'
It deteriorates my soul in the deepest way.
I understand many women are fine & good with the Captain, First Officer roles.
In fact, in some little ways we fall into this when it feels right- and it's nice to have that. So I do get it.
I think my problem is that, I need to control things to an extent & to let that go makes me want to run for the hills screaming. It's a helpless, floundering feeling...(btw- I had a normal, happy childhood...was a wild child though, energetic & a bit rebellious..if that helps..)
I understand it comes down to trust for my man & that I have, to an extent.
However when I've tried to be less head-strong & allowed him to lead how he wants, he has, on occasions abused the privilege & acted like a jerk.
In turn, my defenses go up & that's that.
Other times though, I can defer to him on small things that don't mean too much to me & he responds well.
I guess that's how I 'get my feet wet' with giving up control.
Those times are nice because it feels natural & he's cool about it.
My BIGGEST fear is that he'll lose respect for me if I 'submit' & think lower of me...I can picture him talking to his buddies saying- yea, It's fun, I can just order her around & she does it- I have her on a leash...ugh.
(he'd never talk that way, but I imagine him having fun thinking it.)
I also fear falling into a trend that let's me lose myself, forgetting to stsnd up for my own self, letting him be the judge- thus I lose respect for myself.
I am such an independent spirit, so letting another take control is more than tough. Btw- he was drawn to me for that spirit about me..:)
But I wonder, if he never took advantage (in an asshole way) of the alpha male position, would I find it easier to sit comfortably in a less powerful position?
Could our marriage be even better in this case?
Why does he act like that?
Idk- I think this is a partial vent, partial inquisitive post~
Thanks for going the distance & reading to here;)