Called my wife a roommate today...

cosmocosmo Posts: 74Member
Aaaaand it went about as well as expected.  We are 3 weeks from the last sexual encounter, so I'm feeling a bit pent up.  I've been doing no fap about 7 days at a time and its pretty great, but its life on hard mode. She wanted a nice Thanksgiving morning with just the 3 of us after one of our thanksgiving plans falls through, then the next day she books a 5k to run in that morning.  So when she gets home I went to the gym (I havnt been to the gym in months, been doing some workouts in the basement) because I was kind of pissed and wanted to deadlift heavy to help me feel better.  I threw her off, she wasnt expecting me to just up and go, which was half the plan.  I dont know why I included it, maybe it sets up the below story:

The kiddo stayed the night at grandmas last night, we decided to get some wine and watch a few movies at home after a LONG day.  She drinks half the bottle (for her, this is a fair amount), I drink some and a good beer I picked up.  We were cuddling on the couch (rare) during the movies and I was rubbing her back/arms/legs through the movie.  

Then my toxic attitude crept in, a long tiring day with not being outcome independent.  I pushed by outcome i wanted on a pedestal then vaporized it.  

In my head:
"why are you doing this?  She NEVER fucking touches you, you initiate every hug/kiss/whatever, shes not attracted to you otherwise she would be responding to your touches"
"you are a fucking chump, she dosnt even like you, she would have been gone 2 years ago if we had money in the account to do so"
"why are you wasting your time?  the result will be the same no matter what"

Right before we go to bed, I do a half ass attempt and get a non verbal 'NO', by her backing off after I was touching her stomach and ass.

Coupled with my new toxic attitude, of course I go to bed angry.  She watches TV, falls asleep, no goodnight kiss (I initiate it EVERY fucking time anyways).

We wake up, I start cuddling her, she is showing ZERO response, so I get up after 5 minutes of her talking about some shit I care absolutely nothing about and say I'm going to take a shower. 

I pat her on the head like you would your silly kid sister.

she says "dont pat me like that, I'm not your pet"

I laugh while walking to the bathroom "Pet?  Nah, you make a good roommate though".

I saw in the mirror the daggers thrown my way.  Now we arent really talking this morning, I keep humming and laughing to myself shaking my head.  WTF is wrong with me.  After a shower I feel a bit better.  We dont communicate well, at all.  Buried issues after buried issues, its like a battlefield, layers and layers of bodies from different wars, the further you go down, the more bodies you find and there are certainly plenty of unexploded ordinance around you could luck into.  I just wanted to get her mad enough to the point where she would blow up.  At least then there would be SOMETHING.  Also why I'm deeply afraid of counseling, some days it feels like we can never work through everything.  It would be easier to start over with someone new (or just being by my fucking self for a long time), but my kid is everything to me and I cant stomach not seeing him.  And when I'm not in this shitty attitude, I see glimpses of long term hope for sure, we still can have fun.  Of course, as the 'leader', my shitty attitude rubs off on her easily, so we sometimes have days like today where there is a black cloud over our house.

Fuck that toxic attitude, if I kept it light and funny and OI, I would have nailed her hardcore.   Instead I'm getting work done in the basement while she is putting up christmas stuff.

This is WAY longer than I was hoping, more for me to get it off my chest than anything.  I guess its time to do the questionnaire and finish the MAP book.  My MAP is still trying to get off the ground.  Thanks for reading.
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Comments

  • PhoenixDownPhoenixDown TejasPosts: 10,282Gold Women
    Is this a normal interaction with your wife? Your attitude, in particular?

  • EightbitEightbit DruidiaPosts: 2,071Gold Men
    What happened to the success you were having earlier in the month? http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/8745/2-interesting-developments-one-driven-by-pinterest-of-all-things this thread inspired me to create one of these for pirouette and I, and it's a fabulous idea.


    Why aren't you keeping up with workouts? Based on your other posts it does sound like your wife is trying a little bit. Passive aggressive comments like this that hint around the issue aren't going to settle the problems. Why is it so hard to communicate with her?
    Insert witty, insightful signature here.
    Templar
  • mike79mike79 ukPosts: 222Silver Member
    I really do know what you're going through. I too find it difficult to shake off at times. Just keep at it.
    One thing i would say is dont get too pissed off with the goodnight kiss. A peck on the lips is pretty lame anyways unless your talking full on tongues... My wife has a thing where she now approaches me for a kiss if she goes out. On one hand its nice that she thinks to do it but its also a lot easier than fully pleasing me which is why i think she does it
  • cosmocosmo Posts: 74Member
    Is this a normal interaction with your wife? Your attitude, in particular?
    Not really, sometimes the toxicity creeps in and gets the best of me.  I'm usually the playful one.
    Eightbit said:
    What happened to the success you were having earlier in the month? http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/8745/2-interesting-developments-one-driven-by-pinterest-of-all-things this thread inspired me to create one of these for pirouette and I, and it's a fabulous idea. Why aren't you keeping up with workouts? Based on your other posts it does sound like your wife is trying a little bit. Passive aggressive comments like this that hint around the issue aren't going to settle the problems. Why is it so hard to communicate with her?
    It comes and goes, ya, the pinterest thing and the squats thing were great, all dictated by my attitude.
    JellyBean said:
    Your analogy of a battlefield full of casualties and unexploded ordnance is so evocative. It sounds like most of your intimate interactions have come to the point where they feel poisonous and dangerous.

    You are onto something important with your recognition that much of this is driven by you and your attitude. As you gain greater awareness you will find your ability to act with positivity will improve.

    The fact that your wife sat with you to relax and watch movies and drink wine and accept your caresses is at least a small positive step. I think this can build and improve as you improve yourself with your MAP.

    Not all of the intimate encounters, but the ones where I'm up in my own head too much.  She feels it, and it just reflects back.  

    I need to MAP on, seek help here and through some kind of therapy for the two of us.  Its WAY WAY too early in the MAP to drop "you feel just like a roommate" on her.  She KNOWS she acts like a roommate on some level, so when I back off and treat her how she treats me, its not the right approach, but its damn tempting.

    PhoenixDownAngeline
  • cosmocosmo Posts: 74Member
    Any way to salvage this?  Come back later, apologize for the frankness of my comment, but it was coming from a place of how I'm feeling about our relationship lately?
  • cosmocosmo Posts: 74Member
    Thanks guys and gals, I really appreciate your insight and help! I'm feeling better now.
    Angeline
  • dalefdalef Posts: 785Silver Member
    Hey, I once told my wife I thought of her as my third daughter.
    EightbitPandaBear7
  • PhoenixDownPhoenixDown TejasPosts: 10,282Gold Women
    I agree that it's a good conversation starter.

    JellyBeanAngelinePandaBear7
  • DanGDanG Posts: 1,519Member
    Why are you wrongly "communicating" to her that your relationship is "ok" with the cuddling? I'm saying stop cuddling. You're being too "good" to her. Cuddling is for couples who have good sex lives. Don't reward or reenforce her misconception.

    I'm convinced that some women contrive such as having a "normal marriage sex life" - cuddling, pecks, flowers, and slaps on the ass = "Isn't he so cute. He loves me. He's as happy as can be. I can tell by the way he treats me." In fact, it's a "failure to communicate" your unhappiness:





    TiberiusAngelineJesusMarimbaCowboy
  • LazyAlphaLazyAlpha Posts: 487Silver Member
    Sorry, been drinking. I seem to have discovered gin after a few I&Gs. Probably not the best giver of advice at the moment.

    Disagree.  It is my experience that all the best alpha-up advice about dealing with women comes from drinking buddies.

     

    DaveBowman[Deleted User]PandaBear7
  • spankyspanky Flying around Posts: 2,298Silver Member
    Checkmate said:
    As somebody said in another thread, cuddling is for closers.
    no... COFFEE is for closers


    [Deleted User]
  • spankyspanky Flying around Posts: 2,298Silver Member
    Checkmate said:
    His wife isn't asking him for coffee. Same principle applies. No x until y.
    you can draw the same analogy between the car for first place, steak knives for 2nd, and you're fired for 3rd.  Right now she getting steak knives, but in the running for either the car or you're fired
    MasterOfTheUniverseMplsRS
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