Aaaaand it went about as well as expected. We are 3 weeks from the last sexual encounter, so I'm feeling a bit pent up. I've been doing no fap about 7 days at a time and its pretty great, but its life on hard mode. She wanted a nice Thanksgiving morning with just the 3 of us after one of our thanksgiving plans falls through, then the next day she books a 5k to run in that morning. So when she gets home I went to the gym (I havnt been to the gym in months, been doing some workouts in the basement) because I was kind of pissed and wanted to deadlift heavy to help me feel better. I threw her off, she wasnt expecting me to just up and go, which was half the plan. I dont know why I included it, maybe it sets up the below story:
The kiddo stayed the night at grandmas last night, we decided to get some wine and watch a few movies at home after a LONG day. She drinks half the bottle (for her, this is a fair amount), I drink some and a good beer I picked up. We were cuddling on the couch (rare) during the movies and I was rubbing her back/arms/legs through the movie.
Then my toxic attitude crept in, a long tiring day with not being outcome independent. I pushed by outcome i wanted on a pedestal then vaporized it.
In my head:
"why are you doing this? She NEVER fucking touches you, you initiate every hug/kiss/whatever, shes not attracted to you otherwise she would be responding to your touches"
"you are a fucking chump, she dosnt even like you, she would have been gone 2 years ago if we had money in the account to do so"
"why are you wasting your time? the result will be the same no matter what"
Right before we go to bed, I do a half ass attempt and get a non verbal 'NO', by her backing off after I was touching her stomach and ass.
Coupled with my new toxic attitude, of course I go to bed angry. She watches TV, falls asleep, no goodnight kiss (I initiate it EVERY fucking time anyways).
We wake up, I start cuddling her, she is showing ZERO response, so I get up after 5 minutes of her talking about some shit I care absolutely nothing about and say I'm going to take a shower.
I pat her on the head like you would your silly kid sister.
she says "dont pat me like that, I'm not your pet"
I laugh while walking to the bathroom "Pet? Nah, you make a good roommate though".
I saw in the mirror the daggers thrown my way. Now we arent really talking this morning, I keep humming and laughing to myself shaking my head. WTF is wrong with me. After a shower I feel a bit better. We dont communicate well, at all. Buried issues after buried issues, its like a battlefield, layers and layers of bodies from different wars, the further you go down, the more bodies you find and there are certainly plenty of unexploded ordinance around you could luck into. I just wanted to get her mad enough to the point where she would blow up. At least then there would be SOMETHING. Also why I'm deeply afraid of counseling, some days it feels like we can never work through everything. It would be easier to start over with someone new (or just being by my fucking self for a long time), but my kid is everything to me and I cant stomach not seeing him. And when I'm not in this shitty attitude, I see glimpses of long term hope for sure, we still can have fun. Of course, as the 'leader', my shitty attitude rubs off on her easily, so we sometimes have days like today where there is a black cloud over our house.
Fuck that toxic attitude, if I kept it light and funny and OI, I would have nailed her hardcore. Instead I'm getting work done in the basement while she is putting up christmas stuff.
This is WAY longer than I was hoping, more for me to get it off my chest than anything. I guess its time to do the questionnaire and finish the MAP book. My MAP is still trying to get off the ground. Thanks for reading.