A Warning...

JustTheTruthJustTheTruth Posts: 24Member
edited September 2012 in Married Life

Let me begin by saying I realise I am a complete and utter asshole, and I deserve all the retribution that this post will probably endure. It is my burdon to carry and not a day goes by that I wish this had not have happened.  I guess I wanted to just get it off my chest, and provide some kind of real life account that may serve as a warning to anyone who thinks the advice that Athol offers on this site is “too hard” or requires “too much effort and work”, or to those who think “this could never happen to me.”

This is the story of what went on between me and one of my wife’s friends (and also my friends wife).

I knew that she (A) was unhappy with her husband (he was the ultimate beta, pandering to her in every way possible) and while I wasn’t 100% unhappy, I wasn’t really into my wife either.  She had let herself go since we had baby number two and had no motivation to get back into shape.  I was probably a bit of a beta in the eyes of my wife myself.  A’s husband was text book beta, reading this site it is as if it was written for him and what he needed to do to change. To A though, I was Alpha and out ranked her husband in looks/career/everything.

It started innocently enough, a bit of flirting with each other at dinner dates or events, nothing too over the top.  If alcohol was involved the flirting would amplify a lot, but it never went beyond flirting (maybe the odd arm touch).     

This went on for years until one night when everyone had had too many drinks and I uttered the phrase, “you look fucking hot tonight.” That was it. Queue constant texting and sexting.  All the attention I should have been giving my wife went to A, and hers went to me. The next weekend at another gathering I was rubbing her leg under the table and her mine – all while my wife and her husband (and both sets of children – we had 2 each) were all within 5-10 feet. This lead to a drunken make out session in the back yard (again with everyone just feet away). It was game on. About a week later we met up during the day (she didn’t work, hubby worked 70 hours a week to bring home the bacon) and had sex at my place.  This went on for a few weeks.  We did it in every way imaginable, and I mean every way. Porn stars didn’t do the shit we did.  Sometimes her husband would call while we were doing it and she would ramble on about whatever she was doing for the day. She would also always ask when he would be home (so I knew when to clear out).  Sometimes she would call him at work asking when he expected to be home so that we knew how much time we had together.  If you suspect your wife is up to something, try coming home/driving by your house at random times.  Although a drive by wouldn’t have caught me, I used to hide my car a few streets back.

After a few weeks my wife busted us by reading a very sexy message that came to my phone – I got sloppy and had left it in the kitchen. 

My wife lost it, called A and abused her.  We’d discussed the possibly of getting caught before so we already had our script. We’d just say it was a bit of stupid flirting, an emotional affair at worst, nothing physical.  My wife called A’s husband also, but he’d already been fed the story (and believed it). A had called him as soon as she got of the phone with my wife. This happened on a Friday night so it was a pretty long and awful weekend.  I figured it was over, but on Monday morning there was an email at work from a code name, inviting me to join yahoo mail. I quickly signed up and away we went – underground in an instant.  We were able to keep contact and arrange meet ups.  That same day my wife also ordered me to call A on speaker phone and tell her things were over so she could hear it.  So devious we were that we arranged for this to be a fake fight, and anyone listening in would have assumed we were finished.  I told her never to contact me again, she yelled and screamed and abused me for using her and not taking any of the blame. Of course it was all an act and we continued underground.  I was also fully transparent with my phone, facebook and email accounts.  My wife would monitor me daily, but since I used private browsing mode in Firefox it didn’t matter. She would never stumble across my secret account.

A work trip away here and there and she would come along. Her husband let her do what she wanted, and even if he expressed the fact he was displeased, it had no affect. She did what she wanted and lied to him through her teeth.  For around 12 months I was fucking his wife 5 days a week during the day in his bed and he would never have known.  There were other times when we were so close to being caught, and I guess he fully suspected what was going on, but he never kicked her out, never issued an ultimatum. I hate myself for what I did to him. I’m not sure she did.  Such was his level of beta that she had no interest in him at all, only disdain. I was also reading game blogs so knew exactly how to handle A to keep her coming back for more.

Eventually after a few months I left my wife.  A few months later she left her husband. A few weeks later we were seen out in public together. We instantly lost our entire social circles and friend groups, but hey, we had each other! We were soul mates!  The relationship fizzled as there was no trust – just look what we each did to other people we cared about.  After all the chemicals disappeared I also realised we had nothing in common and I did not find her interesting at all.  I see my kids 50% of the time and miss them like crazy.  It’s hard being a single Dad.  I lose almost 40% of my pay in child payments to my ex.  Somehow I ended up with about 50k worth of debt after the house was sold and assets split.

I’m not looking for sympathy, I know I have fucked over 2 families that probably could have been saved.  This is how easy it can happen. Let this serve as a warning. 


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Comments

  • ElaineElaine Posts: 1,582Silver Member

    I hope others will learn from your mistake.  I hope you have sincerely apologized to your ex-wife and kids for making poor decisions that affected their lives as much as yours.  Devistating the ones we love most is a terrible thing to carry around.  Yes it is your burden to bear but if you and your family can heal and move on, it doesn't have to be this tragic forever.  Just do what you can to make the path ahead easier for your kids.  Do everything you can to make sure whatever made you do this is taken care of so they can respect you again, and you can respect yourself again.  I'm honestly have no idea what would make someone betray his family and friends to such an extent, I'm guessing you don't either.  So do some soul searching, therapy, whatever it takes to prepare you for the tough times ahead.  You've taken the responsibility for breaking your family, so now do the right thing and do whatever it takes to repair it the best you can.  You can't undo the past, but you can learn from it and get the tools you and your children need to face the future.

    Changed_Man
  • Athol_KayAthol_Kay My Underground LairPosts: 6,577

    An excellent account of how the cheating script plays out.

      

    The Mindful Attraction Plan Book      One Hour Call   12-Week Guided MAP

    "The turnaround is tremendous.  And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects.  I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force.  :)  He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well."  - Scarlet

    neensasha
  • SisSis Posts: 108Member
    That took some courage to post, thanks for sharing, it's a good reminder.
    Hamster_Free
  • CompassCompass canadaPosts: 225Silver Member

    Your story, details, and timing are inpeccable. Thank you for sharing this. Have been resisting a similar situation that hasn't gone anywhere....but stories like this just reinforce in great detail what deep down, I already know.

    Thanks for sharing.

  • TK421TK421 Posts: 1,108Silver Member
    Good God, this is awful but a courageous post. Thanks for sharing.
    Hamster_Free
  • Joskin_NoddJoskin_Nodd AshwanPosts: 4,064Silver Member
    @JustTheTruth: So, would the risky appeal and dopamine rush been able to pull you into having an affair if you were getting properly sexed, and respected, at home? 

    "There are no right biscuits." – Mandrill

    SunDanceJoseph_K
  • Monkeys_UncleMonkeys_Uncle RuralPosts: 4,250Category Moderator*

    Thanks for your honesty. 

    PS  Be glad that a miserable life is the worse consequence of your atrocious behavior.  Where I live, your actions could very easily have gotten you killed. 

     

    "My advice to you is get married:  if you find a good wife you'll be happy, if not, you'll become a philosopher." -Socrates

  • pastorgeekpastorgeek Dodgeville, WI. USAPosts: 752Silver Member
    That was painful to read, because I get to help pick up the pieces. The long term effect on everyone is greatly underestimated.

     "Get slim, get fit, be manly! But mostly, be the guy your wife thought she was marrying!" - me.

    Now blogging at simonpeter.org

  • SunDanceSunDance CaliforniaPosts: 167Silver Member
    Just The Truth,
    Wow, powerful post!  I can see how this would be almost impossible to resist.  But, I tend to agree with Joskin.  How much of the risk would you entail in this affair if you were getting your dopamine rushes at home?  And, I can't help wondering how much were you getting at home while you were nailing your hottie?  Ok, your wife may have let herself go, but she could have immediately upped her sex rank just be sexing you like a porn star.

    Also, I was (am) heading down the path you were on.  It was (is) at an emotional affair stage, I just broke it off.

    Thanks Dude!
  • SerenitySerenity Posts: 10,106Senior Moderator**
    edited September 2012

    @JustTheTruth    Just wondering how you had the time to be having sex with her 5 days a week during the day?  Were you not working or just a very flexible job? Was your wife a SAHM?

    Presumably the kids were in school during the day so you had freedom to be together, but surely you couldn't fool around after they got home? With him working 70 hours a week, wouldn't he naturally arrive home after the kids did? Why then did she have to call him at work asking when he expected to be home when the kids' arrival from school would put an end to your visits, anyway?

    And tbh, I don't see the courage in your post that others seem to.  You didn't have much to lose posting on an Anonymous Forum.  Courage to me would have been telling your wife before you got caught.

     JustTheTruth said:

    About a week later we met up during the day (she didn’t work, hubby worked 70 hours a week to bring home the bacon) and had sex at my place.

    She would also always ask when he would be home (so I knew when to clear out).  Sometimes she would call him at work asking when he expected to be home so that we knew how much time we had together.  

    "We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit."


    Website   http://lowtwife.com/

    Linanati
  • SerenitySerenity Posts: 10,106Senior Moderator**
  • romantic_guyromantic_guy Posts: 26Member
    First of all, thanks for the post.  It is a real lesson to all of us who would dare to think it would never happen to us.  Jesus said, "“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"  I am very fortunate to have a great relationship with a wife that keeps herself trim and beautiful for me.  I have no idea what I would have done in your situation.  I hope that I would have found another way, but I really don't know for sure.  There is no way I am going to judge you for your circumstances or actions.  I also hope that relationships can be mended with children and family.
  • BrianCBrianC Oshawa, ONPosts: 2,861Senior Moderator*

    Let me begin by saying I realise I am a complete and utter asshole, and I deserve all the retribution that this post will probably endure. It is my burdon to carry and not a day goes by that I wish this had not have happened.  I guess I wanted to just get it off my chest, and provide some kind of real life account that may serve as a warning to anyone who thinks the advice that Athol offers on this site is “too hard” or requires “too much effort and work”, or to those who think “this could never happen to me.”

    I know a lot of people have said that they hope people learn from this story, because it shows just how easy it is to cheat when attraction crumbles.

    I hope as well people learn from this what owning your shit looks like,  This is the all-important, incredibly difficult, and absolutely rotten feeling step to returning to Integrity.

    Writing this took courage.  I applaud it.

    So where are you going from here?

    All men are great men, most fail to see the greatness in themselves.

    Power, Passion, Principle and Purpose: The Wild Man Project

    My most popular articles: The Art of the Apology (also on video), The Basics of Assertiveness, The Art of Friendship

    Hamster_FreeKarl_Hungus
  • JacquieJacquie Posts: 132Member

    This was a difficult read, but it gives so much to think about. Thank you for telling it.

  • LinanatiLinanati Posts: 1,606Member
    edited September 2012

    How old are your kids, and do they know what happened?  You say you miss your kids, but what about their pain?  In a divorce, kids often blame themselves for what happened.  Have you told them that it is your fault and yours alone and sincerely apologized to them for breaking your family apart?  What about your ex-wife?  Have you sincerely and humbly apologized to her?  Have you taken full responsibility for your actions?  Have you tried to make amends in any way?

    Your post sounds like you blame your wife for letting herself go, but excuse your own actions because "This is how easy it can happen."  No, it wasn't easy.  The two of you put a lot of effort into your deceptions and the secrecy surrounding your affair.  You had even come up with a cover story in case you got caught - which the both of you then used to fool your respective spouses.  There were specific steps you took to conduct your affair, and you could have stopped it at any time, if only you'd had a bit more character.

    Courageous would be taking responsibility for your actions, sincerely apologizing to everyone involved, and making whatever amends might be possible.  Courageous would have been not having the affair in the first place, and honoring your marriage vows instead.  Anonymously posting a "confession" about how easy it was for you to have an affair, how it could happen (just happen!) to anyone, does not qualify as courageous.

    PhoenixDownjoe_commenter
  • JustTheTruthJustTheTruth Posts: 24Member
    edited September 2012
    @JustTheTruth: So, would the risky appeal and dopamine rush been able to pull you into having an affair if you were getting properly sexed, and respected, at home? 
    Possibly? Though it's hard to answer that. I read a post on the blog here the other day that was to do with what Athol and his wife expected of each other in their relationship (I tried to find it but couldn't) that pretty much hit the nail on the head. 

    My wife didn't put any effort into staying attractive (neither did I for a while to be honest), and when I started to get myself together and get in shape, it just bread resentment from her side.  As my sex rank increased it didn't give her the desire to do the same, it just made her continually thing I was going to leave her. Maybe she would have done something sooner or later but I never got to find out. She (my ex) is actually smoking hot now (lost about 4 dress sizes). 

    She also wanted to quit work for up to 10 years until the kids were almost in high school. This was unacceptable to me but I never put my foot down. We both had high paying jobs so while we would have survived I didn't want to just "get by". I wanted a strong financial present and future. She would have been happy slopping around the house all day and going to school early when picking the kids up to gossip with all the other mums.

    A bunch of other stuff in that post was also very true (wish I could find it). Anyway, not trying to excuse my behaviour.  Perhaps if I'd stuck around a bit longer before checking out of the marriage things may have turned around.
  • JustTheTruthJustTheTruth Posts: 24Member

    Serenity said:

    @JustTheTruth    Just wondering how you had the time to be having sex with her 5 days a week during the day?  Were you not working or just a very flexible job? Was your wife a SAHM?

    Presumably the kids were in school during the day so you had freedom to be together, but surely you couldn't fool around after they got home? With him working 70 hours a week, wouldn't he naturally arrive home after the kids did? Why then did she have to call him at work asking when he expected to be home when the kids' arrival from school would put an end to your visits, anyway?

    And tbh, I don't see the courage in your post that others seem to.  You didn't have much to lose posting on an Anonymous Forum.  Courage to me would have been telling your wife before you got caught.

     JustTheTruth said:

    About a week later we met up during the day (she didn’t work, hubby worked 70 hours a week to bring home the bacon) and had sex at my place.

    She would also always ask when he would be home (so I knew when to clear out).  Sometimes she would call him at work asking when he expected to be home so that we knew how much time we had together.  

    Like I said she didn't work.  One of her children was in school and the other wasn't. I live in a fairly small town (<40k people) so getting from my work to her place didn't take long. My job was fairly flexible at the time, so it was nothing to disappear for a 1-2 hour lunch break each day.

    Being a small town he could have popped home at any time for lunch/whatever, it was just a way of being safe I suppose. Better to know he's 10-15 minutes away than never knowing if he's going to randomly arrive home.
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