Do I tell the other man's wife?

excessexcess Posts: 372Member
Last weekend I found out the girl I was seeing was having an emotional (possibly physical) affair with a married man. We weren't exclusive but he was calling her and texting her non stop all weekend. I confronted her about it, she said it was just a married friend who needed help. I could tell by the way she talked on the phone with him that it was more than that. I asked her again, saying I didn't care what she was doing when she wasn't with me but that she should probably stay away from married guys and that she shouldn't lie to me. She insisted it was just a friend.

So....

I snooped her phone while she was in the shower. Clearly more than a friend. I confronted her about it, told her to take care of it by the time I got back from work. She did what I asked but later I couldn't help myself and checked her phone again just to make sure. She caught me checking that time, got really pissed. We fought, made up, and things seemed ok. Then 5 days later she sends me an email saying that our trust issues are too big and we'll never be able to get over it.

A few questions:
Should I just let this be over? It was semi long distance (she's in my town about 25% of her time). I can see her again in a few weeks and can probably patch things up in person (our chemistry is insane).

I have the OMs contact info and through that got his wife's info. They have a 2 year old daughter. Should I do anything with this? One thought I had was to send the guy an anonymous note pointing him to this site and telling him to get some help before he fucks up his family. The less healthy thought was to just send an email straight to his wife with all of the info about what's been going on and let her figure it out.
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Comments

  • jonnyboyjonnyboy Posts: 255Member
    I disagree.   Make a decision - do you want the girl or not?  If she still sees the married guy, does that make a difference?   Does it make a difference if he is married, what about if he was single?

    The point is, the married guy thing is between her and the married guy.   Burning him is nothing to do with you - it would be just doing it to get back at her.  He is an adult, she is an adult - if it wrecks his marriage - more the fool him.

    As I say, its about what you want.   Forget that the other man is married - do you want to see her if she is seeing somebody else?  If not, then tell her she cant see other people.  If she continues to see somebody else (married or not) then dump her and get on with your life.
    OrchidDod
  • TheShadowedKnightTheShadowedKnight Posts: 214Member
    jonnyboy said:
    I disagree.   Make a decision - do you want the girl or not?  If she still sees the married guy, does that make a difference?   Does it make a difference if he is married, what about if he was single? What if they were married and she was fucking a single guy. He is single, so she is not cheating? Hell no.

    The point is, the married guy thing is between her and the married guy. And the wife, and @excess. Burning him is nothing to do with you - it would be just doing it to get back at her. See sening a message. He is an adult, she is an adult - if it wrecks his marriage - more the fool him. Agreed.

    As I say, its about what you want. Forget that the other man is married - do you want to see her if she is seeing somebody else?  If not, then tell her she cant see other people. If she continues to see somebody else (married or not) then dump her and get on with your life.
    The issue in question is her suitability for further commitment. She has no respect for marriage or family, so unless you are fucking her to get your jollies off, drop her. She made her bed, then walked off to go sleep in it. She has already made her choice. Find a better girl.
    AngelaScarletTedD
  • excessexcess Posts: 372Member
    I didn't really care prior to this weekend. I was seeing a few other girls too. What bothered me was her taking his call while she was in bed with me and then lying about who he was. I'm willing to chalk that up to immaturity and not really knowing how to deal with the situation.

    Besides this incident the rest of our time together was really great and got me thinking that maybe she did have LTR potential. Obviously I'm reconsidering that now. And clearly she's already reconsidered it and decided that she doesn't want anything at the moment.

    The married thing does bother me a lot. I've been cheated on before and lied to about it. It hurts like hell, especially when you know something is going on but don't know what. The wife must know what's up on some level and I'm sure it's eating her up inside.
  • excessexcess Posts: 372Member
    To her credit she did cut off all contact with him when I told her to. She said she got caught up in something and wasn't thinking clearly. Without admitting anything illegal I was able to verify that she hasn't had any contact with him since I told her to cut it out.
  • excessexcess Posts: 372Member
    @Athol_Kay

    How should I have responded? I called her out on it and ended it as soon as it started happening. I told her to cut it off with the guy and to turn her phone off when she was with me. She complied and said she was impressed by how decisively I'd handled the situation.

    It was only after she went back home and thought about it for a few days that she called it off.

    I suppose the boss move would have been to just kick her out of my place with no explanation after the phone call.
  • excessexcess Posts: 372Member
    Yeah...

    I should have kept my mouth shut and just kept fucking her for a few more months then moved on to someone worth it. The sex was really fucking good.
  • PhoenixDownPhoenixDown TejasPosts: 9,981Gold Women
    I do think an anonymous email to OM wife would be a good thing. Like Athol said, "check your husband's phone" or something. I would hate to be the wife and suspect but not know what was going on. Not something you HAVE to do, but damn, I would really want to know.

    hopingformore
  • NotelracNotelrac Posts: 3,552Member
    edited April 2013
    her taking his call while she was in bed with me... I'm willing to chalk that up to immaturity
    If you want to give her a pass for this, that's your business.  However, you should have taken more forceful action at the moment when you decided that she was talking/texting him too much while spending time with you.

    and then lying about who he was. I'm willing to chalk that up to immaturity
    This one... not so much.  No woman ever should get a free pass for lying to you. 

    and not really knowing how to deal with the situation.
    You stated that she was in a non-exclusive relationship, but still -- she needs to juggle plates better.  Especially when she's dabbling in married men.

    I could tell by the way she talked on the phone with him that it was more than that.

    In other words, you had probable cause to investigate further.

    I snooped her phone while she was in the shower.
    She's right.  You crossed a line here.  Given your non-exclusive relationship, you violated her privacy.  The fact that you found evidence of her wrongdoing does not suddenly make your invasion ethically correct.

    So, what do you do now with your "fruits of the poisonous tree"?  You're going to have to look inside you and make a decision about what kind of person you want to be, and what your conscience will allow you to do or not do.  Especially since you know that there's an innocent two year old child involved.  And it's likely that the wife is either already pregnant, or she's planning on another baby.

    Some of your choices are:
    1. Do nothing.  You're not involved with any of the parties (husband, wife, ex-girlfriend)
    2. Tell the ex-girlfriend to do anything (tell the wife herself, stop seeing the husband, whatever...)
    3. Send an anonymous note to the husband
    4. Contact the husband directly (via phone, text, or in person)
    5. Send an anonymous note to the wife
    6. Contact the wife directly (via phone, text, or in person)
    Simplest of course, is #1.

    #2 is a waste of time, and continues the failed dynamic of you acting like a parent and treating her like a child.

    #3 may work for a few weeks, but eventually the husband will figure it's safe for him to cheat again.

    #4 might work, but will backfire if he is more Alpha or physically intimidating than you.

    If you do #5 or #6, be sure to provide enough details and evidence so that she can continue her own investigation.  "Check your husband's cellphone and text records between X and Xam on <date>, and see how many calls he made to number (XXX) YYY-YYYY.  That is the phone number of <ex-girlfriend>.  Her facebook page is http:://blahblahblah."

    If you're sufficiently lacking in scruples, and the wife is sufficiently hot, you can try the whole "instigate/isolate/escalate" thing and manipulate your way into banging her.


    But really.  You made a post in the 911 forum with the topic being a question.  You already know whether you're going to tell the other man's wife or not.  You're just looking for a kick in the pants from anonymous internet strangers to go and do it.

     

    SerenityPhoenixDownChanged_Mantonecaster
  • NotelracNotelrac Posts: 3,552Member
    edited April 2013
    Called and told the wife. Gave her dates, numbers, enough info to confirm.
    Our posts crossed in the intertubes.

    If you couldn't tell from how I slanted the above... I approve of your decision, and how you did it.

     

    SerenityChanged_ManScarlet
  • ichabodichabod Posts: 940Member
    My vote?  Dump her and burn that motherfucker, I hope you took images or a backup of her SMS's?  I'd print them and send them to the OM's wife.

    That.Is.All.
    Never listen to what a women says she prefers in men; instead, watch what she does.
  • ichabodichabod Posts: 940Member
    edited April 2013
    @athol_kay Is it your position that once an single person sleeps with someone who is married that they are an accident waiting to happen?  That they will cheat in their own LTR, even years later?

    Athol_Kay said:

    As soon as you find out she's seeing a married guy and possibly/probaby fucking him, there's no point being in a relationship with her. She's already tipped her hand that she's a cheater. If you continue in the relationship with her, you'll eventually be cheated on by her. If you continue on in the relationship with her, you've framed yourself as willing to allow her back even after discovering her involved in cheating.

    So it's game over. Consider yourself to have dodged a bullet.


    Never listen to what a women says she prefers in men; instead, watch what she does.
  • excessexcess Posts: 372Member
    Thanks everyone for the kick in the pants. I made an appointment with a therapist who focuses on developing secure attachment.

    In the future if I feel I need to check someone's phone I'll just break up with them. I'm just glad this happened with a girl who's not worth it.
    WafflyWifey
  • Changed_ManChanged_Man ChicagolandPosts: 1,876Silver Member
    @ichabod
    That's a fair question, I'm interested in his response.

    IMO, people can and do change. People are capable of maturing and learning from their mistakes... This forum is living proof.

    I suppose it boils down to how risk adverse you are.

    When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend til you break, cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off... And you stand!

    "Stand" by Rascal Flatts


  • PhoenixDownPhoenixDown TejasPosts: 9,981Gold Women
    @changed_man I think it depends on the surrounding behaviors as well. If they cheated with a married man, routinely tell little lies, like to go on GNO's till 2am, etc... it all adds up. But being the OM or OW is a big slice of the "Do Not Want" pie. 

  • excessexcess Posts: 372Member
    I didn't get any screen shots, but I gave the wife enough info. It's on her to decide what she wants to do. Honestly I hope for the sake of their kid that he gets help and they work it out.
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