Porn addicted husband

Bottom line- my husband is addicted to porn. His fetishes have morphed from facials (fine w me), to taking extremely in depth explicit photo/video shoots of me & posting them online (photos are fine but posting them with my face makes me uncomfortable), to requesting that we become swingers (we did- but I hate that he gives me away), to loaning me out to friends while he's working (disgusting), to finding random men on the Internet to have sex with me while he's working (super disgusting, scary and unsafe)...now? He's decided he is bisexual and wants to try things with men. What...the...hell!!!??!!

I love this man, with my whole heart. Things are good between us except the fetishes and requests/demands. And the fact that our own sex life has gone from white hot to 'meh'.

I read Athol's book in one day, I already am living most of the principals ( I've always instinctively believed in this way of life). My husband is the man Athol describes...except this one aspect.

On one hand I am so so so heartbroken that he has made these requests/demands. Sex is my love language. I am skilled, willing, adventurous and naturally a super sexual being. Giving this very personal part of myself away to strangers is making me empty inside and angry at my husband. The bisexual thing (no offense to people who actually are) is like telling me my husband is someone different than I married. And on the other hand I clearly see it's the porn addiction making him escalate to these strange fetishes in order to get off.

We have children together. We've both been married before & I do not want a second divorce. I want to stay married but at this point I want to know if it can be? He says he has no such addiction and thinks everything is fine. I wish I had a crystal ball telling me if this is even fixable ?!

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Comments

  • SerenitySerenity Posts: 9,984Senior Moderator**
    edited March 2013
    Welcome to the Forum. You'll get good insight here.

    Please answer these questions for the best help.

    http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/368/read-first-for-best-help-from-the-forum#latest
    "We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit."


    Website   http://lowtwife.com/

  • JellyBeanJellyBean Sunny SoCalPosts: 2,486Gold Women
    The situation you describe sounds horrifying.  It also seems to me that he isn't addicted to porn, he is bisexual and wants other men to fuck you.

    My ex-husband is straight but also wanted us to swing.  He had several sexual relationships with other women that I know of while we were married, and I suspect there were many others that I did not know of.  He told me how hot it would be for him to watch some other man fuck me.  It broke my heart.  It broke something deep inside me.  I was so desperate to please him that I agreed to go along with his expressed desires.  He didn't seem interested in having a normal sex life with me.

    Once he introduced the idea of other partners, it didn't take long for our marriage to start circling the drain.  It was a very dark time for me.

    I don't have any advice for you on how to fix your marriage.  I just want you to know that you are not alone in this experience.  I am sorry you are going through this pain.

    My husband participates on the forum as Geekengineer.
    hopingformoreHamster_FreeTemplar
  • mrsfmwmrsfmw Posts: 16Member
    I know, right? I look back now and am utterly shocked that things have ended up like this.

    He is an expert at getting what he wants- from pouting, silent treatment, etc. I rejected the idea in the beginning but after convincing, prodding and enduring the cold shoulder (and no sex) I eventually gave in to one thing at a time, gradually...

    I am a Pisces ...go with the flow, meldable, want to please...and he is Scorpio, very fiery and overwhelming in getting what he wants.

    I often think its my fault because like a spoiled child- I have never told him no or left him unsatisfied with any request. So when I did he would not take no for an answer.
  • mrsfmwmrsfmw Posts: 16Member
    Jelly- thank you. I cannot describe the depth of my horror and heartbreak that this man who used to tell me I was his precious treasure and he would never let another man touch me now revels in this behavior.

    As hyper sexual as I am...it is something I am super private about...it is like giving my heart and baring my soul when I make love. I feel like what prostitutes must feel like night after night.

    This is compounded by the fact that I was raped when I was 16 and a virgin. I will not see a male doctor (gyn or otherwise) and shy away from physical contact from men besides my husband or close male relatives (my dad, brother or grandfather).

    Honestly- I do not think he is actually bisexual. He is (was) ALL about women- the ladies man, player, etc. I am seeing behavior in him that he specifically said he would never, ever do (see me with another man, be open to male/male stuff). It's like he needs the next wildest thing.
  • jklmjklm Posts: 1,573Silver Member
    edited March 2013
    Oh dear... I can't really offer any specific advice based on experience, but it sounds like that old urban legend (or is it true?) about frogs in hot water. That is, if you try to put a frog into really hot water it'll hop out, but if you put a frog in cool water and then slowly heat it, you can boil it but it won't jump out...

    All I can do is echo "take care of yourself first" - just because you've done something before, or done something akin to it, doesn't mean you have to continue. Maybe, hopefully, putting your foot down will force him to consider his options and he'll pick you. I suppose maybe it's a good thing that he's managed to push things far enough to bring it to a head, so that the two of you need to deal with it and figure out how you're going to move forward. I'm sorry it had to get so nasty first.

    If this is new from him, did something trigger a change?

    ---
    Big muscles and confident leadership turn the relationship. And leadership is NOT trying to figure out what she wants and doin that. -farmertan
  • Athol_KayAthol_Kay My Underground LairPosts: 6,503

    Well to be quite blunt, you're going to have to cut his heart out with a spoon before he'll wake up to the reality of the situation. He sounds extremely far gone.

    Some of the tactics here http://marriedmansexlife.com/2013/02/how-to-fair-warning-a-husband-that-doesnt-listen-before-things-are-too-late-to-fix/  could be a starting point. But honestly I don't think any of that is going to be strong enough to wake him up.

    You are unquestionably going to have to hit him with actual divorce papers I think.

    What have you done so far to try and communicate your distress about everything to him?

    You absolutely should not have any further sex with other men. Frankly I would stop having sex with your husband at this point too.

    It sounds like you have been begrudingly consenting along the way. Has he ever hit you? Escalated to verbal abuse? Are the children exposed to any of this?

     

     

      

    The Mindful Attraction Plan Book      One Hour Call   12-Week Guided MAP

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    HildaCornersTemplarMaria
  • SerenitySerenity Posts: 9,984Senior Moderator**
    What do you think would happen if you told him you wouldn't participate anymore?  What do you think he would do?
    "We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit."


    Website   http://lowtwife.com/

  • mrsfmwmrsfmw Posts: 16Member
    Some of the questions just didn't apply- but I answered what seemed important.

    Medical issues- I have often thought he is depressed and maybe has low testosterone. His sex drive went WAY down after we were married- although I have always had the higher drive.

    Structural- I do admit that I have gained weight. I have struggled with bulimia and binge eating when I am lacking sex (seeking the dopamine rush from somewhere if I'm not getting it from sex). I am working on this as a part of my fap.

    Critical moments/neglect: nothing here.

    When did the decline happen? My drive has always been higher, but while dating we were like fire and gasoline. It was insane. He made every sexual dream I've ever had come true and then some. After marriage the rate of sex declined. After being married a year he brought up swinging. Emotional decline began then.

    Was he ever that into you? I say yes. He was almost over protective in the beginning (which I loved). He was very sexually into me, we couldn't keep out hands off each other.
  • SerenitySerenity Posts: 9,984Senior Moderator**
    edited March 2013
    How long married, and ages of kids?  Any children from previous marriages?
    "We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit."


    Website   http://lowtwife.com/

  • williewillie Oklahoma Posts: 530Silver Member
    mrsfmw said:
     I am seeing behavior in him that he specifically said he would never, ever do (see me with another man, be open to male/male stuff). It's like he needs the next wildest thing.
    That is what addiction is.  It will take more and more for him to get his dopamine fix.  Yourbrainonporn has a lot about men looking at bi and gay porn as regular porn loses its thrill.  I didn't go there, but I did look at crap way outside my comfort zone.  I'm not sure what it will take for him to admit there is a problem.  Most likely, it will have to be radical, as he has been able to wear you down.  It sounds like he is way deeper than porn addiciton; pushing one's spouse far beyond their boundaries is active sex addiction. 

    You will need to be firm about not having sex outside the marriage again.  This has been really destructive to you. I recommend the book "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend as a good start.  

    This is fixable if he is willing to face the problem.  So sorry you are going through this.  
    Serenitymrsfmw
  • mrsfmwmrsfmw Posts: 16Member
    Athol- thank you so very much for taking the time to read my issue and answer. I am desperate for help here.

    I wrote him several long emails about how disgusted I was with the idea of another man. I pointed out that he knew my past rape issue and how I loathe contact with other men. There was no reply.

    I have out right cancelled meetings. This did not sit well with him and I end up facing a miserable night of cold shoulder treatment, bickering and nastiness. Compared to the adoration and tenderness I receive if I 'do good'. He almost worships me when I come back with the video and photos of my encounter. This makes it an attractive option to just comply and make everything nice (except for the meetings). It's like 99% happy and 1% miserable (time wise).

    Children are not at all exposed. I am super careful about this.




    Jklm- yes! He cranked the heat up slowly. Reading this post myself is astounding to me- how did I get here!?

    Red pill newb- the currency is his fetish being lived out for his pleasure- no money is changing hands I'm sure.

    Serenity- he shuts down, withdraws physically, emotionally, etc. I am left isolated as a punishment I guess.
    SerenityMaria
  • SerenitySerenity Posts: 9,984Senior Moderator**
    It sounds like you are close to your father, grandfather and brother.  Can any of them give you some support in making a decision?
    "We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit."


    Website   http://lowtwife.com/

  • mrsfmwmrsfmw Posts: 16Member
    Serenity- my father would kill him...Or maybe kill me, lol. Brother is a kid and grandfather is not all with it (from age).

    I would be absolutely horrified for my friends, family or coworkers to find out about this. I am very conservative in every other aspect of my life and it would be so shameful, I'd rather not anyone find out.

    I've even told him that if one of these random guys beat me up or refused to use a condom- that I'd never let him call the police bc we know so many of them.
  • williewillie Oklahoma Posts: 530Silver Member
    mrsfmw said:
    Athol- thank you so very much for taking the time to read my issue and answer. I am desperate for help here. I wrote him several long emails about how disgusted I was with the idea of another man. I pointed out that he knew my past rape issue and how I loathe contact with other men. There was no reply. I have out right cancelled meetings. This did not sit well with him and I end up facing a miserable night of cold shoulder treatment, bickering and nastiness. Compared to the adoration and tenderness I receive if I 'do good'. He almost worships me when I come back with the video and photos of my encounter. This makes it an attractive option to just comply and make everything nice (except for the meetings). It's like 99% happy and 1% miserable (time wise). Children are not at all exposed. I am super careful about this. Jklm- yes! He cranked the heat up slowly. Reading this post myself is astounding to me- how did I get here!? Red pill newb- the currency is his fetish being lived out for his pleasure- no money is changing hands I'm sure. Serenity- he shuts down, withdraws physically, emotionally, etc. I am left isolated as a punishment I guess.
    Please understand that he will react to you "withholding" sex with others the same way a crack addict would handle their supply being cut off. This is fairly common as he faces his demons, of which there will be many.  


  • mrsfmwmrsfmw Posts: 16Member
    I have always been an introvert- very kind and accommodating. I can be a total doormat. I avoid conflict (especially direct confrontation) like the plague. I express myself best in writing- otherwise in the face of harshness I shut down, freeze and cannot defend my viewpoints effectively. I desperately want to please and avoid conflict- to the point of detriment. I am passive and submissive and crave an alpha/dominant man to protect and guide me. In turn I give submission, service (cook, clean, care for children and also bring a home great paycheck). I realize this often ends with me being taken advantage of- but just because you CAN mistreat someone doesn't mean it's ok.

    My high sex drive is a physical issue that I've always had- it's not related to having been raped. After being raped it was a long time before I trusted a boyfriend- together 1 yr before sex. I was slightly promiscuous during college (3 short term boyfriends). Married husband #1 at 21, we met at 19.

    He had a stable job, a house, a car and was ready to settle down. I had 0% attraction to him as a man. He stayed up watching video games all night, was extremely overweight, had extreme health issues he refused to fix, hated sex...thing broke down after 7 years. We divorced.

    I began dating current husband- we'd worked together for a while. He is 15 yrs older, very handsome, alpha/dominant, moody, intense, spontaneous, complex, prone to highs/lows, likes risky behavior but then can turn around and bake a pie and do the laundry flawlessly. He is very intelelgent and is a natural leader. He is confident and will argue a point to death. Early on he drove home the fact that I wouldn't be able to challenge him (he'd explode with intense anger). I learned that direct confrontation was futile with him. After a while he didn't actually need to explode anymore because I learned what set him off and knew to avoid certain things. He is very smart at getting what he wants.

    He was raised very conservatively. His former wife was very frumpy and sexually unavailable. They lived in a sexless marriage and he had many affairs.

    When he and I began dating I essentially gave him whatever he asked for. I am wondering if this got him used to getting anything he wanted? And when I did decline he would use intense manipulation (ignore, silent treatment, pout, explode, rationalize, argue, debate) and in the end I would give in.

    I still do what he asks me to do. I've tried to stop but it never lasts long due to completely miserable conditions that ensue.

    To deal I will often drink a lot before an encounter and I also tend towards bulimia when I am upset emotionally. The starvation gives me control and the binging gives me a drug like high.

    I am trying to give as much insight as possible to try and get the best advice possible.
    Staying_Afloat
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