When you can see a friend making a mistake

alpha_runneralpha_runner Posts: 108Member
edited July 2012 in Off Topic
So story is as follows. A friend of mine is getting married in 6 weeks, even though he has known his fiancée for less than a year. In that time he has become mister über beta; she calls all the shots, and I have not seen him out on one occasion without her since they met. When they are out together, he never looks like he's having fun and looks nervous all evening.

He's not said anything explicitly, but in the past couple of months I have really got the impression that the whole situation has taken him over. I imagine that he feels like he has gone past the point of no return in that they have booked and, I assume, already paid for a very expensive wedding. I really hope I have just got the wrong impression, but wonder if I should say something. Problem is that I don't feel it should be my responsibility to question whether he is doing the right thing -- we're good buddies, but he has closer friends and also close family. Am I doing the right thing in sitting back and hoping that they'll have a happy life, or that someone else (closer to him) has a chat?

Comments

  • Athol_KayAthol_Kay My Underground LairPosts: 6,429

    I guess it depends on what your definition of a friend is.

    If someone else closer to him knew about the Red Pill, he wouldn't be in this situation.

    But then again I'm a meddler.

      

    The Mindful Attraction Plan Book      One Hour Call   12-Week Guided MAP

    "The turnaround is tremendous.  And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects.  I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force.  :)  He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well."  - Scarlet

  • Version3Version3 Posts: 1,887Silver Member
    Guys in general are maybe too reticent to ask male friends important questions. I suppose we're all expected to handle our own shit.

    You don't have to approach this from an "I think you may be screwing up" POV as much as "How do you feel about all this?" and see where that leads.

    "The pain of discipline is a tiny thing compared to the pain of regret."
     
    It's an obstacle. Get over it.

  • FrizFriz FloridaPosts: 522Silver Member
    You have to tread very carefully here. No one really wants unsolicited advice for their miserable relationship. He very likely knows that he's in bad shape, but to have it opened up in front of him will force him to realize something that he's probably trying to hide from himself.

    One of my very good friends has just gone through a divorce. He has always been very beta and now he is supporting his ex financially. And I mean completely. She doesn't(won't) work, tells him that it's his job to take care of her, etc, etc.
    I can't get anywhere with him. He loves her and will do whatever she says.

    But if I were to really get firm about it and the fact that he is being taken, he would likely get mad at me and still continue to support her.
    So, I just try to be his friend.
  • alpha_runneralpha_runner Posts: 108Member
    @Version 3 - I think that's the way I'll approach it, but, to be honest, I don't think he has the balls to actually do anything about on his own. He needs someone to tell him not to get married and help him put a stop on everything; that is definitely the job of a close friend or family member, not me.
  • BoneDaddyJiveBoneDaddyJive Chronically TurgidPosts: 1,010Silver Member
    I have several friends and acquaintances in this same boat. You don't necessarily need to frame it as remedial. I would frame it as something that has really helped you and lead the horse to water. It is up to him to drink it or not.
    All humans. This business of love. You have devoted much literature to it. Why do you build such a mystique around a simple biological function?
    - KELINDA Star Trek TOS, "By any other name"
  • SlipangleSlipangle MichiganPosts: 1,240Silver Member

    I think I might give the same advice the previous posters gave, I had my own thread about a somewhat similar situation of a friend that I thought was kind of beta and that they could benefit from MMSL. I took an approach of telling my story and how MMSL worked for me. I was a little bit more forward than I otherwise would've been because he was going on a 2 week trip overseas, and I thought the flight would be a good chance for him to do some reading and I knew that outside of this trip, he probably wasn't going to have time for reading.

    So if you're telling your story, it would probably come across a little wierd - like you'd get the reaction "Why are you telling me this?" So you need to think of how you can relate to him without being obvious. The fact that he's getting married is a very obvious conversation starter, so you could break the ice with something like "I know you're about to get married, and I get the sense that your wife's happiness is very important to you but you seem a little nervous." And that's the only extent to which you talk about him, from there it's "Let me tell you about what marriage has been like for me, I think it might help you understand some things that all men have a hard time understanding about women, myself included"

    Hopefully you get his attention and he's interested, but if not he might say he's pretty happy and maybe he's gotten more advice than he can handle. So if not, then just say you're happy for him, congratulations, and if he ever wants to hear your story just ask. And that's it. Keep being his friend, if you see him having marriage trouble down the road you could try again by asking if he wants to talk about whatever difficulty he's having, then tell him "We've had issues like that before, and here's how we got through it."

     

  • Athol_KayAthol_Kay My Underground LairPosts: 6,429

    You lead with "Every time I see you, you look more and more unhappy."

    It peeled @Jen_Kay off her then boyfriend back in the day. She did look miserable too.

      

    The Mindful Attraction Plan Book      One Hour Call   12-Week Guided MAP

    "The turnaround is tremendous.  And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects.  I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force.  :)  He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well."  - Scarlet

    PhoenixDown
  • alpha_runneralpha_runner Posts: 108Member

    Athol_Kay said:

    You lead with "Every time I see you, you look more and more unhappy."

    It peeled @Jen_Kay off her then boyfriend back in the day. She did look miserable too.

    As long as everyone is clear this isn't a gay come-on with the intent of peeling the friend off the fiancee, sure.
    Haha, although this is a genuine consideration, as the only occasion that I'm likely to get to speak to him without his fiancée being there is when we're in the men's room!
Sign In or Register to comment.