What do I do/say? (wife too tired for sex but plenty of energy to workout for 30 mins)

x1134xx1134x Posts: 1,265Member
edited July 2012 in Running the MAP
This is the CORE of what flat pisses me off about my wife:  SEX is ALWAYS last on the Fing list.  Once EVERYTHING else she wants to do is done, THEN maybe she'll consider sex.  

So she wakes me up this morning to let me know she's leaving for work with a "the we-vibe is fully charged" and the about to have sex kiss rather than the traditional "love you, see you later peck".

On the way home she's talking about how exhausting work was,  how she's flat beat, and that she's just going to come home and workout, eat, and go to bed.  I say something to the effect of "gotcha, you had "one of those days" that's not so conducive to draining we-vibe batteries?"  And got slammed with the "all you ever talk about or think about is SEX!  Its overwhelming, can't you hear me saying I'm tired?"  (i didn't approach her for sex nor discuss it at all yesterday - made that a point since I got the overwhelmed conversation earlier.

I asked a simple yes no question, and either answer would have been fine, but she feels "pressured", and would like for me to lay off, and let her let me know when she's in the mood, but before coming home and before exerting herself on her workout she's already decided she's too tired for sex. I let loose the "that's what we've been doing for the past few years, and we know how much sex we have when we do that, I'm a PROFESSIONAL at not coming on to you".  This was an error simply because we'd agreed that we were finding a fresh start, and weren't going to bring up the past.  I did apologize for going back into the past when we agreed we hadn't and told her that I should have just expressed my fear of being painted into a corner waiting for her to be in the mood.

HOW THE HELL DO I MOVE SEX TO THE FRONT OF HER 'want to get done today' list?  Why is IT the expendable item? It was on her list this morning.

The answer to "how could you have energy to work out but not the energy to fool around?" was "I need to workout for my back, its really tight". 

Am I being a jerk? Or is the the fitness test I'm just unable to overcome?

Feel like we took four steps forward, but now I'm right back at where I started.  I DO NOT FEEL WANTED BY HER.  Because the first thing on my list is the last thing on hers.


Most women unwittingly ruin the sex as a reward by being so shitty in bed during the sex, that it becomes a form of punishment rather than a reward. - Athol Kay.
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Comments

  • Joskin_NoddJoskin_Nodd AshwanPosts: 4,047Silver Member
    Fitness test. Also BS. Call her on it, firm but fair. All you did was ask a f*cking question. What the hell? Plus I also think about food. Possibly more than sex. After all these years, you still don't know me. Stuff out of left field that seems way out of proportion is always a fitness test (if the wife isn't batshit crazy). And let her know that either you guys need to find a way to get to everything on the list, or sex needs to move up in importance ahead of workout.

    "There are no right biscuits." – Mandrill

    BenKarl_Hungus
  • QuietQuiet Posts: 6Member
    Fundamentally it just sounds like she doesn't want sex. You're right, she'd prioritize it more if she did. Those excuses are pretty BS, but she may believe them or want to believe them. Read or re-read http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/07/how-to-figure-out-what-is-wrong-in-your-sex-life/ and figure out which of those apply to you. To be frank, I think you've got a ways to go in the up-the-alpha front. Your approach to her not-so-subtle hints was supplicating and beta. Her response was a fitness test and you didn't call her out on it- more beta. I'm female and I'll still say with confidence that the angry response was an (unconsciously deployed) tool to get you to leave her alone about the sex. I'll bet it worked that time and it's worked in the past; it needs to stop working before she'll stop doing it.
    chemteachBenKarl_Hungus
  • johncjohnc Posts: 52Member
    What stage are you at in the MAP. Personal fitness must come before anything else. It doesn't just make you fitter, it's time when you're not nagging her for sex while you're working out.
    What are you doing while she's working out ?
    Back problems can be relieved with a massage too, and will relax her. Have you offered that, or just told her to leave the workout, she's getting a massage instead ?
    It sounds like you're pretty stressed about this, maybe you should get yourself a massage ?
  • chemteachchemteach Auckland, NZPosts: 102Silver Member
    I had this exact same problem before starting to run the MAP; I can especially relate to the whole claiming to feel "pressured" line.  Talking about it directly won't work because it's already obvious to both of you that she's not too tired for sex.  There is some other reason she's avoiding you that she can't/won't admit to herself, and confronting her will not get to the heart of the matter. Running the MAP is your best bet.  A great piece of advice my wife gave me once was, "Don't be so easy to say no to."

    Calmly, with a bad-boy smile, tell her you're not going to bend over backwards to please her with, 

    "Yes, I am pressuring you to do something that we will both enjoy and that is good for our marriage, you do that for me sometimes."

    or

    "Cut the crap, it's obvious to both of us that you're not too tired."

    Then get busy with something else (cook dinner, work out,work on a hobby, whatever) but don't get sucked into a discussion.  Just before bed, try one of Athol's sexy moves.  Whether you have sex or not, at least your not a beta pushover any more.  Best of luck to you Mate, you're not the only good husband out there with this problem.
    betablockerBenKarl_Hungus
  • betablockerbetablocker Posts: 27Member
    You aren't being a jerk-- you have needs, especially after the morning kiss and we vibe chatter. I agree that this is a fitness test, but I have learned that being frustrated or angry only pushes away what you want. Some ideas: Play it cool-- be playful as she is venting about her day-- after she knows that she has been heard, say, i've got just the thing to take your stress away!" It sounds like she was ready to roll in the morning-- maybe you can set the priority by initiating sex in the morning. If she is choosing not to have sex at night, tell her to crash so she can be ready in the morning. Again, playful and fun. In her mind, does sex = work? Maybe ditch the we vibe during the week and keep it simple. Just ideas. As you work the map and diffuse the shit tests, I hope you have less frustration and more bliss. Good luck!
  • chemteachchemteach Auckland, NZPosts: 102Silver Member
    "I'm a PROFESSIONAL at not coming on to you" translates as "I'm a professional Beta."  In the future, don't be such a pro.
    betablockerRedPillAwakening
  • x1134xx1134x Posts: 1,265Member
    edited July 2012
    "I'm a PROFESSIONAL at not coming on to you" translates as "I'm a professional Beta."  In the future, don't be such a pro.
    I was professional beta.  I was lapdog extraordinaire.  I was reminding her of how often we had sex BACK THEN.  Doesn't it display "I don't NEED you for sex?, so much so, that I was making a career out of not needing sex?"  Too passive-aggressive?  Truth is she has had exactly what she asked for for 8 years. It sucks, it sucks for BOTH of us. We're trying a new thing where I work my ass of at fixing my issues, and she gets credit for "letting me on top of her".  Ohh  big effort there.  

    I'm going to continue on disallowing her any expression of love that I can disallow other than sex.  I need to get it into her head, when she feels like she's "giving" and expressing love, it doesn't come across as that to me. it just her cooking dinner, or feeding the dogs or peck kisses and one leg over the other tv watching.   This does zero point zero to make me feel wanted and loved.  When she feeds me I feel like a child, (not loved nor repected, just a helpless mouth to feed"  when she feeds our dogs that makes me feel Good, thats your responsibility.

    If you're not feeling like having sex, and need to work out at least save the arm strenth to Handjob for 3 minutes. But that's work for HER on behalf of ME, where she's UNCOMFORTABLE.  

    But me lying in bed every day when she goes to bed because "its very important to her" uncomfortable many days but I do it, i give of myself to fulfill a stated need.  BECAUSE HER HAPPINESS MEANS MORE TO ME THAN MY OWN.  Therefore I LOVE HER.  These acts show me that my happiness is meaningless to her.  She needs my presence and my money, and the penis when she'd like it. and if its not one of those times, she dont' want to hear about it.  
    Most women unwittingly ruin the sex as a reward by being so shitty in bed during the sex, that it becomes a form of punishment rather than a reward. - Athol Kay.
  • x1134xx1134x Posts: 1,265Member
    What stage are you at in the MAP. Personal fitness must come before anything else. It doesn't just make you fitter, it's time when you're not nagging her for sex while you're working out. What are you doing while she's working out ? Back problems can be relieved with a massage too, and will relax her. Have you offered that, or just told her to leave the workout, she's getting a massage instead ? It sounds like you're pretty stressed about this, maybe you should get yourself a massage ?
    Been working out for years.  started everyday once committed to the MAP going to do a full 90 days of p90x, then start throwing heavy again.  See my home gym thread in Food & Fitness. now while she's working out i've got her laptop that i completely tore apart, re-flowed the Graphics Processing Unit, and resurrected her dead laptop.  Saving my alpha ass $500+ for her to go impulse buy a crappy one.

    the sex we've been having isn't anything to write home about.  I've said in earlier posts we've had episodes where it seems she's not into it or into to me, and I've lost it inside her.  I can see not wanting to try that again, but the only way through this it to continue practicing.

    I hope you mean a real legitimate massage, I've found that self-massaging only contributed to early firing, and/or losing erections when the wife swings back around.  I need a bong hit, but I'm done with that shit.  That just makes a shitty situation seem "tolerable".
    Most women unwittingly ruin the sex as a reward by being so shitty in bed during the sex, that it becomes a form of punishment rather than a reward. - Athol Kay.
  • johncjohnc Posts: 52Member
    Yes mate I meant a proper massage. For you. If she doesn't like it, she could come with you.
  • PegalaPegala Posts: 53Member


    So she wakes me up this morning to let me know she's leaving for work with a "the we-vibe is fully charged" and the about to have sex kiss rather than the traditional "love you, see you later peck".

    On the way home she's talking about how exhausting work was,  how she's flat beat, and that she's just going to come home and workout, eat, and go to bed.  I say something to the effect of "gotcha, you had "one of those days" that's not so conducive to draining we-vibe batteries?"  And got slammed with the "all you ever talk about or think about is SEX!  Its overwhelming, can't you hear me saying I'm tired?"  (i didn't approach her for sex nor discuss it at all yesterday - made that a point since I got the overwhelmed conversation earlier.



    So she's a cock-teaser. You could tell her that but I doubt it would help!

    Sounds like the MAP is not yet working. Is your sex rank higher than hers? Maybe not if she's working out regularly.
  • CaptVereCaptVere Posts: 1,619Silver Member
    I'm not sure it's a tease.  My wife does something similar to this.  She hints at the nights activities all the time, but rarely follows through.  I'm not sure if she actually thinks she's going to do it or she thinks this actually buys her some 'points'.   She probably thinks she can work herself up to it for the night, but then realizes later that she still has no desire for it.

    As for the original post, this is a serious shit test if you ask me.  She's just deflecting the issue with the 'pressure' speech.  That's a standard tactic.  It's a variation of "that's all you think about", or "you're just over-sexed".  All of these try and deflect the issue on you and bring you down to your beta knees so she can have her way.  It's a fitness test.  Use the standard techniques you've learned to deal with all fitness tests.  Don't engage in unreasonable behaviour and let her know it's unacceptable.  Do not get angry or defensive.  You have nothing to defend here.  She suggest sex, you got worked up to the idea, and then she changed her mind and played victim.  Unacceptable.  There is no need to use logic or justification based on past deeds.  The act itself is unreasonable and BS.

  • JaneJane Posts: 1,013Member
    Ok, I understand you're pissed and rightfully so, but if she really DID have a shitty day at work, she came home lookng for a little beta support.  She wanted you to listen to her and you responded in a way that sounded like "well, what about ME?!  you still have a responsibility to me!"  which maybe she DOES, but she didn't want to hear it right then...after a shitty day at work what i LOVE is when my guy offers to rub my back and listen about my day.  Then he PUSHES me to work out because that's an instant mood elevator while skipping makes me depressed and  mopeing.  Almost always, AFTER a massage and a workout, i DO feel sexy again.  Just a different tactic you could try... sometimes we ligitimately do NEED the beta stuff guys, don't get rid of all of it...
    shanna_banana
  • Invisible_HusbandInvisible_Husband Posts: 15Member

    Being tired is code for she is not into you.  I get this all the time.  All kind of aliments.  Off for the Summer because she is a school teacher.  Still get the tired response.  The massage(yes, proper massage) is good for her, she will fall asleep, no sex.  Thinks everything is rocking along while I lay there with what to do with this hard on.

     

    Slipangle
  • roeroe Posts: 445Silver Member
    I'll hazard a guess, and say "pressured" refers to your frustration at not getting sex, rather then making passes and escalating a lot.  It was more or less said above, but I'll re-emphasize, the signal you want to be sending is Outcome Independence.  I know it's frustrating, but don't let her see you frustrated.

    One experience I had, I was getting non-verbal "no" signals, getting completely discouraged with the way things were going, and I was barely holding it together - I was ready to start laying down ultimatums or whatever.  I calmed myself down and managed a cool demeanor before going up to the bedroom - and she surprised me by initiating.  Which I would've ruined completely if I came up all annoyed and angry.

    FWIW, I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume that she fully intended to close the deal with you in the morning, but she actually had a stressful day that changed her mind.  It happens.  But remember fickleness can work in your favour.  Hope this helps.

    "The good news is you don’t have to become a romance novel hero, you just have to become her hero...  A woman doesn’t have to be perfect to arouse her husband, she just has to be his Playmate."   -Dalrock

  • BenBen Posts: 2,783Silver Member
    @Jane, @Roe:

    Wanting sex in the morning, then being too tired for it at night, as an isolated incident, MIGHT be an honest case of changing her mind.  It does happen.

    Blowing up at him for even suggesting it, though?  Nope.  Total shit test.  It was totally reasonable for him to expect sex, and totally UNreasonable of her to bust his nuts for wanting it when she'd given him a clear come-on earlier.

    The proper thing for her to do was say, "I'm sorry, honey, I know I got your motor going earlier, but I really am beat.  Do you mind if I take a raincheck?"  And she needs to be told that.  It's not the sex denial that's the problem-- that can be handled by continuing to run the MAP and up the Alpha to increase her attraction to him over the long term.  It's the disrespectful and unreasonable way in which she did it that's the problem.

    ---

    In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
    Athol_KayRedPillAwakeningKarl_Hungus
  • QuietQuiet Posts: 6Member
    @Jane I'd agree with you on her needing support if I thought she was honestly just expressing her emotions about her day. I don't think that's the case; she's dropping hints to get him to leave her alone about sex. It's manipulative, and he should've called her on it. 
    Carolinagirl64
  • roeroe Posts: 445Silver Member
    @Ben - Completely agree wrt shit test.

    "The good news is you don’t have to become a romance novel hero, you just have to become her hero...  A woman doesn’t have to be perfect to arouse her husband, she just has to be his Playmate."   -Dalrock

  • anonymooseyanonymoosey USAPosts: 72Gold Men Zen Garden
    I think it helps to jedi-mind-trick it from "why is sex always last on the list" to "why am I, your husband ... or why is our relationship, last on the list."

    I'm sure if you reversed the situation and substituted "talking about her day" for "sex," she would see how ridiculous it is.

    best of luck.

    Athol_KaySirRicky
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