For Women, Initiating Sex is like Beta for Men

Linanati

A man fantasizes about his woman initiating sex.  He tells her it would make him feel loved and desired if she did.  She has to do it exactly the way he's pictured it in his head though.  Doing a striptease and saying, "I'm your dirty slut!  Please fuck your filthy whore!" may not count as initiation.  She may have to grab hold of his cock, put her mouth on it and moan while sucking and licking, then take his hand, lead him to the bedroom, push him down on the bed, straddle him, and lower her pussy onto his dick, all while moaning, panting, and begging for his cum. 

If any of the steps is missing, it isn't an initiation.  The steps may vary by man, but the woman should instinctively know which variation her man desires.  If she can find the right variation and do it frequently, he believes he will be the happiest man on earth.  In reality, while doing this occasionally will provide a huge boost to his ego and increase his attraction and love for her, too much has a very negative effect.  Too much female initiation makes him a lazy, uninspired lover who doesn't appreciate what she does for him.  It's like salt.  A little goes a long way, but too much ruins the dish.

Now how much of that sounds exactly like the situation when women demand more and more beta, and men give it to them?

Mandy

Agreed. We all want what we don't have and we all *think* we know what we want...  ;)

webmistress32

Not sure about your comparison but I can tell you the rest of what you posted seems to be right on target.

Josh

That all may be true but just to have it happen once in my life so I could "spank bank" it would really improve the quality of solo Josh time.

Linanati

@Josh

It should happen more than once in your life.  Just not every week.

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MAPster

Ok, had to ponder on this one a bit. I believe you are right on. If you initiate all the time then your man will loose the feel for the chase that takes place when one is looking to get some from the wife. On the other hand, if you never initiate then his ego takes a hit.

Women like to be subtle when initiating and it doesn't work with us. Of course over time you learn your wife to the point where you know how she "tries" to initiate but most of the times that is more of a turn off than anything. If my wife is not being flirty all day but bitchy instead and at night time she makes her move of either "waking me up" by cuddling or just lay there in bed talking forever until I make a move then it's a DLV to me.

If instead she would wake up at 5am when I am getting ready for work and right as I step out of the shower she would suck my dick like she needs my cum to make it thru the day, then I would be impressed and my ego would be boosted.

The key is to initiate sex when you notice that your husband won't that particular day and pick up the slack. How I see it, it should be 75-25%.

Don't be subtle. Grab his dick and go to town like you need him in you. I don't know any guys that would stop you or be turned off at that advance.

MAPster

In the context of a normal relationship of course. If you ask the guys that are getting no sex here what you said sounds more like fantasy than anything else. They would be extremely happy with a wife that initiates every day for a few months and then balance would have to take place.

x1134x

There's two ends of the spectrum on this with different women.  What linanati described, or the other end.  "I said 'I'm going to bed', I initiated".

Eating cake, candies or dessert everyday will get old.  But there's also a spectrum of frequency. Every day, or constantly being on one end and never in a lifetime being on the other. 

For me a hard initiation in lingerie would have to be more than weekly to become passe.

In my experience,  "once in a marriage" or equivalents are even more cruel than "never".

haniel

I often think it's projection that men want a chase in romantic affairs. Men like competition when it comes to their outside-the-home activities. They want rest inside the home.

Purple

I think women like to be chased, and if we initiate too much, then the man starts taking that for granted and stops chasing. Being chased makes US feel desired.

MAPster

This comparison keeps coming to mind. If a man cooks all the meals in the house he may think he is being sweet but a woman would be turned off instead if he were to pick up the slack and cook something here and there when she is exhausted then he is seen as incredibly sexy because he doesn't depend on her and she feels like she can take a little break and things won't fall apart.

Chasing your wife for sex is fun but it gets to be exhausting at times and if she picks up the slack then she is showing a DHV

longneck

The bare minimum:

1.  State your intentions.  Verbally, or physically.  Basically anything that unequivocally means I gotta have you now.  (get naked, texts, lingerie, etc.).  DO NOT BE TIMID.

2.  Don't think that initiation means letting him know that you are DTF and then expect him to take over.  If you start the fireworks in a non-physical way, you have to then move into the physical.

3.  Of course he will take over.  You want that.  He wants that.  But he will do that when he is ready.  He wants you to want him too so he'll enjoy it for a bit.

steu2817

MAPster said:

The key is to initiate sex when you notice that your husband won't that particular day and pick up the slack. How I see it, it should be 75-25%. Don't be subtle. Grab his dick and go to town like you need him in you. I don't know any guys that would stop you or be turned off at that advance.

Honestly, I'm not sure that a woman needs to initiate at all in order to have a health marriage - at least not as Linanati and MAPster have defined initiation here (and as I've defined it in the past: penis in hand, penis in vagina, penis in mouth). 

If a woman shows that she wants and desires her man, by any number of means (dressing sexy, playful touching, teasing, sexy talk, etc), and she makes it clear that she is open to his sexual advances and likes having sex with him; that's probably all a man needs long term. 

Now, would a man appreciate a hard initiation? Of course! But I do agree that too many initiations by a woman will create problems long term. 

AlphaBelle

steu2817 said:

MAPster said:

The key is to initiate sex when you notice that your husband won't that particular day and pick up the slack. How I see it, it should be 75-25%.

Don't be subtle. Grab his dick and go to town like you need him in you. I don't know any guys that would stop you or be turned off at that advance.

Honestly, I'm not sure that a woman needs to initiate at all in order to have a health marriage - at least not as Linanati and MAPster have defined initiation here (and as I've defined it in the past: penis in hand, penis in vagina, penis in mouth). 

If a woman shows that she wants and desires her man, by any number of means (dressing sexy, playful touching, teasing, sexy talk, etc), and she makes it clear that she is open to his sexual advances and likes having sex with him; that's probably all a man needs long term. 

Now, would a man appreciate a hard initiation? Of course! But I do agree that too many initiations by a woman will create problems long term. 

@Lininati did say "the steps may vary by man." So one guy wants the BJ ambush, another is happiest with a strip tease, another fantasizes about
waking up to a naked willing wife asleep beside him.

Girls are the same way I guess? Meaningful Beta help for some wives is the guy taking over the laundry beast completely, but for another wife, a load here and there is really all she wants. Personality plays a role.

I am working through being too available and creating boredom. I've stepped up the physical teasing and back off the cheerful sweetsy side of myself, upping the mischievous "really? So how you gonna make me?" responses.

We will see how the next few weeks go. We are due to get really frustrated with each other again any day now, based on our track record.
:-S

Angeline

Linanati said:

Now how much of that sounds exactly like the situation when women demand more and more beta, and men give it to them?

I was just commenting on this exact thing on another thread, and it really paints my married sex life in a different light. I did what he *said* he wanted, but not what he'd actually responded to when we were still new. Very sad. I wish I'd had this info back then. He responded back then when you did "X"? Then why would you not continue to do "X"? He was a very nerdy, introverted nice guy who'd been shit on a lot in high school. So I could see why he wouldn't want to have to continue to "play games", in his words. But not doing that killed all the fun of it, killed his attraction.

After reading so many threads here about low T, I've occasionally wondered if he was, even though we were so young and that would be pretty rare. This fits the situation much better.

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Josh

@studentofwife

Most of us men on this board do not have a wife like you.  So when we're saying what we want please realize that we're in a much different place than your husband is.

steu2817

To be clear, I think the reason men say they wished their wives initiated is because they don't feel desired by their wives. Initiation would be the ultimate show of that desire. But you don't need to give the ultimate show of desire in order to meet his need to feel desired. In fact, it all becomes a bit of a 3 bears story.

If she:

never teases him, or does other things to 'inspire' him to initiate - too little (porridge too cold); man feels undesirable

initiates sex frequently - too much (porridge too hot); man get's complacent and bored

never initiates, but frequently teases him - just right. Man pursues prey and pounds it into submission (and by submission, I mean the headboard). 

Josh

steu2817 said:

To be clear, I think the reason men say they wished their wives initiated is because they don't feel desired by their wives. Initiation would be the ultimate show of that desire. But you don't need to give the ultimate show of desire in order to meet his need to feel desired. In fact, it all becomes a bit of a 3 bears story.

If she:

never teases him, or does other things to 'inspire' him to initiate - too little; man feels undesirable

initiates sex frequently - too much; man get's complacent and bored

never initiates, but frequently teases him - just right. Man pursues prey and pounds it into submission (and by submission, I mean the headboard). 

This.

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